OH now what can I say!

Okay we all know now that it takes me forever to get to blogging. I just never can think of anything clever to say so I guess I will update everyone on my son Benjamin he is gonna be 8 mo in a week it has gone by so fast yet slow at the same time. He is now crawling and really wants to pull up on things but is not quite strong enough yet but it does not stop him from trying and complaining. He is talking some his words are dad, mom, bub, wy wy, ball, bath, fan, ba ba, bye kind of he will soon be undering sentences. Have you ever felt so proud and so i don't know confused at the same time I still have this strong urg to up and move away with my husband and children I feel like I am the black sheep so to speak of the family I have a big heart and as we all know it gets ripped out and stepped on constantly and I keep letting it happen and I do it all over again and again. I feel as though I am not good enough for anyone but the husband and kids sometimes not even them My siblings very rarely ever talk to me anymore I suspect that this is cause I do not fit in but I am who I am and I have always had this philosophy that if they do not like who I am then f@#k them. But how is it that it still bothers me why am I not good enough to talk to to ask for help to visit. This only proves to me how much I am not needed or cared for and makes me want to go even more I believe that I can do just fine on my own and it will be great I am feeling a great pull. The busy syndrome i totally understand cause I am just as busy there is never enough time in the day for anything yet I still would fit it in somewhere I mean for example my brother came over a Lil while ago out on a walk with his family brought my Lil mousers to see me I was so proud till I was basically told that my floor was not good enough for her to crawl on wow I mean wow my house is not dirty and I vacuum daily but yet they go that far my sister and I know that she will read this eventually is busy I know but somehow always manages to see my niece yet has came by to see my son Ben maybe four times and doesn't stay long this bothers me so regardless of the fact that she will read this i am writing it. Now lets talk about the church I love the preacher yet the church all of the sudden is so cliquish and no one talks to you anymore like you are friends or a family they look at you like you are an outcast and they judge like crazy is this why I feel so uncomfortable there who know all I know is I have tried and i am ready to give up talking to my empty chair helps so much yet at the same time I long for real friendship.